Sunday, January 20, 2013

Armstrong

This week Lance came out with his admissions. I posted some time ago what I thought of him. What about now? Well, I am not in one bit surprised. I remember reading his book and the overwhelming feeling that I did not like him. However, there was the fight against the disease and some of the same descriptions as I had gone through. But, despite not liking him, I admired his drive (not to get better but about his sport). I have never been short on drive and recognised this in him and felt I understood. The internal pressure to maintain this must have been huge, and the fact that he had such strength meant he was so capable of keeping it up. But at what cost? The fact that he did what he did at the expense of other peoples' lives is what I find so immoral. If he only drove himself into the ground, I could understand it, as that is what happens to the insanely driven (one way or another - I do think I have some insight here :) ). But he dragged other people down with him. He doesn't deserve the fact that I bothered to post. The only reason I am is that my wife bought me a Livestrong t-shirt last year and I loved it, I felt (even though I didn't like him) that it was a brand I inherently got (forget about the Nike downsides). It's almost funny really. You might imagine watching such a lie in a movie. Perhaps this will happen.
And no, I didn't believe him......



The new year - A new me

So...a new year. Nearly three since I was diagnosed. What has changed recently.
An interesting thing (at least for me) . For some time after I was sick (and before I was finished chemo), I knew I had to do at last something, something which involved being in touch with the cancer community. I don't like the phrase 'give something back' but you know what I mean. The thing is......for over two years now I think I was so focused on normal life again. This is not an excuse but a reality. Married, three children, full time job, the whole bit. I regularly thought about it but, deep down, I just didn't feel ready. I can't put it any simpler than that.
In the last few weeks something has changed in me. For the first time I have a sense of being ready. Like I have matured. This is a strange feeling. The trigger was a neighbour who died from cancer a few weeks ago. I felt this so deeply - seeing him (with my wife), going to the funeral, meeting his wife (whom my children love). While I have always thought about what happened to me every single day, it all came back to me when this man died. And for the first time I thought, yes I can. It's a strange thing - I am an IT professional, well educated, used to speaking to people and for the last two years have been convinced I would not be able to talk to sick people, despite my experience of being sick. Don't get me wrong, I would be a novice (a complete newbie), but for the first time I believe it is something I could do, with time and training.

So I signed up for a national charity day, collecting money for cancer in March. That, however, is an easy thing. I also inquired into the next step - volunteering for the national cancer charity, and whatever that might mean. I've just been told that this involves 4 full days' training in April. And now a new dilemma. Four days out of my holidays seems like so many - can I commit to this, and whatever comes after this. I know I can do it, but can I commit to this? Or will I need some time to take this next step? And will I end up thinking less of myself if I don't this year? There's a voice in my mind saying this would be the most significant learning opportunity I'd ever have - learning in a new way for me (academic has always been easy for me, dealing with people has always been difficult).

Didn't mean to go on. I will decide over the next few weeks. But hey, this is a start.