The All Clear

Yesterday I got the all clear. That's two years cancer free.

I knew I was fine. However, I am not naive enough to think that this thing cannot return in a heartbeat. As mentioned in previous posts, I feel better and more positive now than I ever did before.
What was unusual about yesterday was that I can honestly say that I felt absolutely no anxiety whatsoever when going into the hospital for the results. At the risk of sounding like the IceMan (or an equivalent unfeeling entity), I was totally calm. The doctor actually said to me that he had seen a half dozen patients before me that morning already, all of whom were in various states of anxiety or nervousness, even those who had been free of cancer for 7 or 8 years....and I was the most relaxed person he'd seen all week. I remember the way I sat - almost perched into a relaxed but attentive position. I think this reflect my new ability to take things as they come, try to focus on the now. Of course I had thought about a negative outcome, but had rationalised it and broken it down, seeing clearly what that would look like and how I would cope. This, it seems, is the value of my experience. What will be will be. I must say this was a strange position to be in but left me feeling confident and strong, rather than cold.

I drove home at a very slow pace, thinking about what had just happened, playing it over in my mind and out loud. This felt like a lonely conversation. But of course everybody's experience is different, everybody's fears are different and everybody's vision of their future is different. So in many ways, this was a unique experience.

Then I went back to work. Within an hour I was back doing the mundane, ordinary tasks of the day. And later I made dinner and read stories to my children before going to bed.
But that's o.k. Aren't they the things I got better for? They are the things I choose to do...because I can.

Post Cancer - Regular Scans

Tomorrow I have my annual CT scan. It is two years since I was given the all clear. I think it is fantastic that I am privileged enough to be in a country with a health system where not only was I cured, but I can undertake these scans to provide assurance. There is a train of thought, even among some oncologists, that these regular scans are unnecessary and that they are clogging up the system. I appreciate that point of view but, as you'd expect in my position, I disagree with it.

Statistically, I am more likely to have a recurrence of cancer than other people who have never had it. This weighs on my mind. I was lucky in that I was given a statistical probability when I got sick that 80% of people had full recovery and it never came back. I thought they were good odds back then and gave me huge hope. I still think about this and take succour, particularly as I know the odds for other types of cancer are not nearly so good.

While I feel absolutely fine now, the fact that I was sick is always front of mind. My dedication to looking after my health now is at the very front. As a result, while it is a pain in the ass having to go to hospital, it really is a small price to pay for the reassurance. I am not nervous or anxious. I am way past that at this point, after the experience I have had. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I was anxious about anything.  What will be will be.  This brings to mind the phrase "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". This has been absolutely true in my case. I would not go as far as to say cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me (because, let's face it, that would be ridiculous) but it certainly has given me a more rounded perspective on life.