Lance Armstong

When I was sick two years ago a friend of mine bought me a book by Lance Armstrong, the (many time) Tour de France winner who had cancer in the late nineties. It covered how he got sick, what happened and how he got back to health. Even though I must say I was not crazy about him as a person (I thought he was quite arrogant), I was hugely encouraged by this book at the time and would recommend it for anyone who has cancer now or indeed has gone through it and come out the other side.

He was hit by the same issue I had during chemo, a serious decrease in white blood cells which meant he found it difficult to move about (and cycle even a short distance which he found very difficult). I was also inspired by the title, 'My journey back to life' because that is exactly what I felt I was going through, literally trying to get back to a life which I considered to be on hold.
I bring this up because today my wife bought me a running top which is from his brand with Nike, some of the money from which goes to his foundation. She said that felt it would help keep me encouraged when running considering where I had come from two years ago. I think it just might.

And of course I bought a bike when I was at the end of the chemo. But instead of a bike to race on, I got a touring bike to out my two year old on and cycle around town. A much better idea and I have got great use out of it. Only problem now is that he'll only get on the bike with me if I promise to buy him sweets on the journey -it's no longer the pleasure of the spin for him. Can't have everything I suppose.

Two years ago......

At the moment I'm saying "two years ago I..." a lot. Yesterday, I said 'Two years ago I had to stay with my parents for 2 days as one of my children was sick and so the doctors advised me to get out of the house in case I picked up the illness and I'd be in trouble. I went to my parents' house and could hardly walk to the end of the street. Today I went for a three mile run in my parents' home town and then went for a few pints with my Dad". I'm finding that doing this comparison is healthy for me and helping me appreciate the individual moments of a day.  It is helping me remember just how much I used to push to always be doing something productive. It seems crazy. Now I can simply 'be' and enjoy it.

I'm reading a book called 'Running with the mind of Meditation' at the moment, a gift from my brother. It is fantastic. It is basically about the balance that a life with both running and meditation can provide you. An easy read. There's a good Youtube clip which illustrates what the author is about and it's not too heavy. Hey, these things are aspirations and are not easy to reach but I am feeling that it is a good aspiration for me to have. I'm not taking it too seriously but I think the central message about the link between mind and body is what is so poignant for me given that I believe that this disconnection was what caused me to be sick in the first place. I see it as a therapy to ensure this does not happen again.

I met a guy last year who spoke like this as he told me that he, some years ago, had cancer twice. He "didn't learn the lessons the first time" he said. This was such a powerful message to me and one I have never forgotten.

How did I end up in that situation?

Many people may think that asking that question is crazy after two years. Why did I get cancer? I was healthy and fit. I was only 38. I didn't smoke and I drank in moderation. I ate very healthily. All in all, I felt I had the 'balance' I mentioned in previous posts. Well, with hindsight I know that I had the farthest thing from balance. At the time I was sick I had a family, with 3 children under 9, a full time job which was quite demanding. I also had taken on two assistant lecturing positions at the open university, increasing from the single one I had six months earlier. Oh, and I was also finishing a Masters degree. So, what I now know is that I thought I could do everything. I'm smart (well, smart enough) and capable....."why couldn't I do all of this?" was my attitude. I actually remember thinking this.
So in summary I fully believe that I made myself sick. This may be a controversial view to some. My doctors called my non-hodgkins lymphoma a 'genetic blip', literally an accident of genetics. And that's fine. But I believe that this blip was triggered by my situation. I think this because of what I have learned since. I have read alot about eastern medicine and meditation and they indicated the strong links between mind and body.  I believe I pushed myself so far and so hard for so long that something had to give. And it did.
So this now explains my search for balance. Sometimes the old me rears its head.  I recently got it into my head that I wanted to do a doctorate and got all the information on what I needed and thought through the logistics over a period of weeks. Then one day I realised that this was the old me. I had this feeling that this idea did not feel right all along. I meditated on this last night and made a clear (and amazingly quick) decision that I will not persue this crazy idea at this point in my life. The clear lesson I have learned is "JUST BECAUSE I CAN DO SOMETHING DOES NOT MEAN THAT I SHOULD'.  For years I always felt capable and I fully believe that I can do anything I put my mind to, a feeling I have even stronger now I've been through cancer. However, wisdom is about knowing when not to do something and finding the balance in your life. This is a hugely positive step and decision for me and I will take this learning into other parts of my life.

Even more why….

So there are other reasons for me to blog about my experience.  It will certainly keep it in mind. I’m sure some people would think it would be great to forget and time is a great healer. But I don’t want to forget because I believe having it front of mind (or at least somewhere in my mind) will help me enjoy life more. I have a tendency to get stresses out at times, the main reason being that I take on too much and stress inevitably follows (of which more later). These periods don’t last long but I would like to minimize them if at all possible. This is a choice, a conscious decision to take more control and be more positive. Ultimately it is about balance – the ying and the yang. 

This idea of balance is something  had in mind well before I was sick but did not maintain it…..and this lack of balance is what I believe made me sick (of which much more later).

I think one of the other reasons I think it is important is that, hopefully, other people who have been what I was through, or indeed are going through it now, will take some comfort and hopefully have a giggle at some of the stuff I come out with. I would love to interact with people who have had a similar experience. I was 38 when I was sick and I certainly knew nobody else that young who had cancer. So I would like to communicate about this as I believe it will help us all.