How did I end up in that situation?

Many people may think that asking that question is crazy after two years. Why did I get cancer? I was healthy and fit. I was only 38. I didn't smoke and I drank in moderation. I ate very healthily. All in all, I felt I had the 'balance' I mentioned in previous posts. Well, with hindsight I know that I had the farthest thing from balance. At the time I was sick I had a family, with 3 children under 9, a full time job which was quite demanding. I also had taken on two assistant lecturing positions at the open university, increasing from the single one I had six months earlier. Oh, and I was also finishing a Masters degree. So, what I now know is that I thought I could do everything. I'm smart (well, smart enough) and capable....."why couldn't I do all of this?" was my attitude. I actually remember thinking this.
So in summary I fully believe that I made myself sick. This may be a controversial view to some. My doctors called my non-hodgkins lymphoma a 'genetic blip', literally an accident of genetics. And that's fine. But I believe that this blip was triggered by my situation. I think this because of what I have learned since. I have read alot about eastern medicine and meditation and they indicated the strong links between mind and body.  I believe I pushed myself so far and so hard for so long that something had to give. And it did.
So this now explains my search for balance. Sometimes the old me rears its head.  I recently got it into my head that I wanted to do a doctorate and got all the information on what I needed and thought through the logistics over a period of weeks. Then one day I realised that this was the old me. I had this feeling that this idea did not feel right all along. I meditated on this last night and made a clear (and amazingly quick) decision that I will not persue this crazy idea at this point in my life. The clear lesson I have learned is "JUST BECAUSE I CAN DO SOMETHING DOES NOT MEAN THAT I SHOULD'.  For years I always felt capable and I fully believe that I can do anything I put my mind to, a feeling I have even stronger now I've been through cancer. However, wisdom is about knowing when not to do something and finding the balance in your life. This is a hugely positive step and decision for me and I will take this learning into other parts of my life.

So why blog?......revisited

It struck me some weeks ago that I was so determined to get back to reality two years ago, and subsequently determined to get back to work about 4 months after finishing chemo, that I have missed out on some of the opportunities which the experience has afforded me. By this I mean the realisation of how lucky I was (and am), how much I have in life and how I can use this to ensourage my sense of wonder and appreciation. I remember that nearly every time I was in the hospital for a week and came home, completely whacked from the chemo and the steroids, that I had a sense of wonder for days. I would literally look out the window and marvel at the green grass and flowers. Corny as that may seem now, I had been staring at grey walls in the hospital for over a week and to see something different was fantastic.  To see my children laughing (and fighting) illustrated the life around me as I had shared a ward with some of the sickest people imaginable. Getting back to reality has removed some of this. This is inevitable to some extent I believe as the strains and stresses of normal life return. I mentioned before that when I did alot of meditation earlier this year I felt this appreciation return so I intend to take this up again. But I want to have this sense of appreciation during the day also, to literally make me a better person for having gone through this experience. It was so all encompassing that I believe it can be the driving force for pushing me in new directions. Of this more shortly as I need to work out what these directions are....hence the blog. I think it will help me get my thoughts together on this.

The Ordeal

Two years ago I had cancer. I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. There was a tmour the size of my fist wrapped around a vein in the centre of my chest. No laughing matter. With hindsight what is funny is how I remember noticing something was wrong. Whenever I went for a a few dinks (and I mean only 2 or 3 drinks) the next morning my neck was swollen. And when I tied my shoelaces I had to catch my breath for a few seconds afterwards.

So....6 months of treatment. 6 Sessions of 5X24 hour days in hospital hooked up to chemo split by 10 days at home. Definitely no laughing matter. But again, with hindsight I do laugh at the thought that struck me towards the end. I was literally gagging for the chemo to start, because I knew the sooner it started the sooner it would all finish. I remember the movie the French Connection 2 where Popeye Doyle (Gene Hackman) was begging his captors for more heroin as they had created an addict in him. I often smile when I think of my urgency to get it going. CRAZY in hindsight only.

They say that you cannot hide from chemo therapy. It always finds everybody's weakness. My weakness was my blood. Every time I went through it my blood cell count was so low after a few days I could hardly walk to the bathroom without being out of breath and several times needed a blood transfusion. And I have always been really active - a runner who loved swimming and weights. I do remember at the start, being in the hospital and thinking that I could keep up some muscle mass and be a little bit fit during this madness. I was on the floor of a bathroom doing press ups becuase I knew if a nurse saw me I'd get a earful of abuse. Well, the downside was that I collapsed and was flat out for a few minutes. Lucky really, I may not have got up at all. Needless to say this has never been mentioned to anyone.

And then it ended. The thing I desired the most was to be able to go to the gym. Again, not what I'd imagine what everybody would want after the big ordeal, but I knew it was what would make me feel normal again. And I desperately wanted to feel normal again. I wanted to feel the adrenaline running through me again. The day I ran for the first time, which was an impressive feat of about 50 metres before I flagged, I cried.