Fearless

I’ve had an enlightening few weeks.

I had to do an IT certification for work which involved doing a course for a full week (40 hours), followed by some study at the weekend (perhaps about7 hours), followed by a six (yes, 6) hour exam on the Monday. Now, I have long known that I have a huge ability to concentrate. A 6 hour exam with a 70% pass mark (which I passed by the way) demonstrates this I think. However, what I only learned about myself when I got sick two years ago is just how much this mental effort has a negative impact on you, both mentally and physically. It is now 4 days after the exam and I’m only beginning to feel like myself again, after several nights of 10 hours sleep. At one point two days ago I was physically shaking with tiredness.  I awoke with nightmares about physical and emotional threats. Unlike in the past, I now know my limits and rested.

In days like these I think about being sick again. I recently saw (again) the movie Fearless. It made me cry in a way I’m absolutely sure I did not do when I saw it first in 1993. 

There were two moments that will always stay with me. The first is when, after the crash, Jeff Bridges tastes a strawberry. It is like the first time he ever did and you can see on his face the moment, the fact that he is in the “now” savoring every second. I remember that feeling. Every time I came out of hospital I would look out the window into my back garden for hours just looking at the green, literally appreciating the wonder of it like I never did before. I wish I was able to maintain this feeling all of the time. Of course this is every buddhist's dream, but I would imagine it hard getting a day's work done on this basis. But I do feel almost ashamed that I do not have this as much as I should, now that I know the huge pleasure that comes with this.

The other moment was at the end where his wife resuscitates him. He is dying (ironically because he is allergic to strawberries) and she brings him back. He gasps for breath and says “I’m alive”. The joy in that moment was amazing. Of course I had this feeling after I got my all-clear. And I want to have this feeling more than I do. Real life takes over. This is why meditation is so important. It helps direct these thoughts and make them more real.

The movie does a flashback to the moment on the plane when he crashed - the feeling that 'this is my time to die. I had a similar moment when I was in a tiny room, alone, waiting in silence for my first PET scan. A sense of panic and lack of control. Total Fear. Unlike Bridges' character, I didn't lose my fear at that moment. But I don't have fear now. No fear about the future. No fear about recurrence of the cancer. Perhaps that's why, like the character in the film, I think the illness (as I had a positive outcome) is one of the best things that ever happened to me.